Ever stood in your kitchen, repeating the same request to your kids—clear the table, put away the shoes, anything—only to be met with blank stares or an eye-roll so epic it deserves an Oscar? If you’re nodding, you’re not alone. As a mom and psychiatrist with over two decades of experience, I’ve been there, both in my home and in my practice. Getting kids to listen, especially in the heat of the moment, can feel like trying to herd cats during a thunderstorm. But here’s the thing: it’s not about yelling louder or repeating yourself until you’re hoarse. It’s about connecting in a way that clicks, fast. Let me share five strategies that have worked wonders for me and countless parents I’ve counseled.
Why Kids Don’t Listen (And How to Change That)
Kids aren’t ignoring you to be defiant—at least, not always. Their brains are wired differently, processing emotions and instructions at their own pace. Add in distractions like screens, siblings, or just their vivid imaginations, and it’s no wonder your words sometimes vanish into the ether. The goal isn’t to force compliance but to create moments of genuine connection that make listening feel natural. Below, I’ll walk you through five techniques that cut through the noise and get results in seconds, whether you’re dealing with a toddler tantrum or a preteen’s attitude.
1. Speak Their Language with a Twist of Humor
Kids live in their own world, complete with slang that sounds like a foreign language to us. I learned this the hard way when my son called me “bruh” mid-conversation. Instead of getting mad, I leaned in. “Yo, I’m not your bruh, but let’s get those dishes done, no cap.” He laughed, groaned, and—surprise—started clearing the table. Humor disarms defensiveness. It’s like a secret handshake that says, “I get you.”
Try slipping in a playful phrase or meme-worthy line that resonates with their world. For example, when my kids were dragging their feet before soccer practice, I said, “The vibe’s not vibing, team. Let’s move!” They rolled their eyes but got moving. The key is to keep it light and avoid overdoing the slang—nobody likes a “cringe” parent. Humor builds a bridge, making your request feel less like a command and more like a team effort.
Humor is a universal language that softens resistance and fosters connection.
– Child psychology expert
2. The Power of the XYZ Formula
Ever feel like your kids tune you out because they think you’re just nagging? The XYZ formula is a game-changer. It’s a simple script: “In situation X, when you did Y, I felt Z.” For instance, I once told my daughter, “When I asked you to put your phone down at dinner and you kept scrolling, I felt ignored.” This approach zeroes in on behavior without attacking their character, which keeps them from getting defensive.
Why does it work? It’s specific, clear, and shows the impact of their actions. Kids might not care about your feelings in the heat of the moment, but they understand fairness. When you frame it as “this is how your choice affects me,” it sparks their empathy. I’ve seen this work with kids as young as five and as old as fifteen. It’s like giving them a roadmap to better behavior without the lecture.
- Identify the situation (e.g., “When I asked you to clean your room”)
- Describe the action (e.g., “but you kept playing video games”)
- Share your feeling (e.g., “I felt frustrated and unheard”)
3. Sandwich Criticism with Positivity
Nobody likes being told what they’re doing wrong, especially kids. That’s where the sandwich technique comes in: start with praise, slip in the correction, and end with encouragement. It’s like wrapping a tough pill in something sweet. For example, I told my son, “You’ve been killing it with your math homework lately. If you could tidy your desk before starting, it’d help you focus even more. I’m proud of how hard you’re working!”
This method works because it shows kids you see their strengths, not just their slip-ups. It reinforces that your love is unconditional, even when their behavior needs a tweak. In my practice, I’ve noticed kids respond better when they feel valued first. It’s not manipulation—it’s meeting them where they are emotionally.
4. Give Them Ownership of the Plan
Kids crave control, even if they don’t admit it. When they feel like they’re being bossed around, they push back. That’s why I started involving my kids in creating rules, whether it’s a chore chart or a bedtime routine. One evening, my youngest proposed a “pizza night” schedule where everyone picks a topping, but only if the kitchen’s clean first. Guess what? The dishes got done faster than ever.
Giving kids a say fosters responsibility. It’s not about letting them run the show but about making them feel like co-authors of the plan. In my practice, I’ve seen families transform when kids help set boundaries. One teen even created a color-coded calendar to balance homework and screen time—her idea, not mine. Choice equals buy-in, and buy-in equals action.
When kids feel heard, they’re more likely to listen.
5. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Kids are sponges, soaking up everything we do—good and bad. If you want them to listen, show them what listening looks like. When my son rambles about his latest video game obsession, I make a point to stop, look him in the eye, and ask a follow-up question. It’s not always easy, especially when I’m juggling work emails, but it pays off. He’s more likely to pause and hear me out when I need him to.
Modeling goes beyond listening. If you stay calm during a meltdown, they learn to regulate their emotions. If you admit when you’re wrong, they see accountability in action. I once apologized to my daughter for snapping during a hectic morning. Later, she apologized for ignoring my request to pack her lunch. It’s a two-way street, and kids notice when you walk the talk.
| Technique | How It Works | Best For |
| Humor | Lightens mood, reduces resistance | Preteens, teens |
| XYZ Formula | Clarifies behavior and impact | All ages |
| Sandwich Technique | Balances praise and correction | Young kids, teens |
| Ownership | Fosters responsibility | School-age and up |
| Modeling | Shows desired behavior | All ages |
Why These Strategies Work
These techniques aren’t just tricks; they’re rooted in child psychology. Kids’ brains are still developing, especially the prefrontal cortex, which handles impulse control and empathy. By meeting them at their developmental level—whether through humor, clear communication, or shared decision-making—you’re speaking a language their brains can process. Plus, these methods build trust, which is the foundation of any lasting change.
In my experience, the biggest mistake parents make is expecting instant results. Progress takes time, and every kid is different. One of my clients swore the sandwich technique was “useless” until she tried it consistently for a week. By day seven, her son was responding without the usual eye-roll. Patience is your superpower here.
Putting It All Together
Let’s say it’s a chaotic evening, and your kids are ignoring your call to set the table. Start with humor: “Yo, is this table gonna clear itself or what?” If that doesn’t work, try the XYZ formula: “When I asked you to help with dinner and you kept playing, I felt like I was talking to a wall.” Follow up with the sandwich technique: “You guys are awesome at helping when you want to. Let’s get this table done quick so we can eat. I know you’ve got this!”
If they still resist, involve them in the solution. Ask, “What’s a fair way to split table-setting duties?” You might be surprised by their creativity. And all along, model calm, attentive behavior. It’s not about perfection—it’s about showing up consistently.
The Bigger Picture
Getting kids to listen isn’t just about winning the moment; it’s about building a relationship where they feel valued and understood. Each time you use these strategies, you’re teaching them how to communicate, empathize, and take responsibility. That’s the real win, isn’t it? In my practice, I’ve seen families go from constant yelling matches to laughing together over dinner. It’s messy, imperfect, and totally worth it.
So, next time your kids tune you out, take a deep breath and try one of these techniques. Maybe you’ll get a laugh, a begrudging nod, or even a “Fine, Mom.” That’s progress. And in the parenting game, progress is everything.
Parenting is less about control and more about connection.
– Family therapist
Have you tried any of these strategies with your kids? What’s worked for you? Parenting is a journey, and we’re all learning as we go. Keep experimenting, keep connecting, and most importantly, keep showing up.
