Have you ever caught yourself listening to how your partner describes their ex and felt a twinge of unease? Maybe it was a casual jab or an overly rosy memory that made you pause. As someone who’s spent years diving into the messy, beautiful world of relationships, I’ve learned that the way we talk about our past loves can reveal a lot about our emotional health—and our ability to build something lasting. The healthiest couples don’t just avoid certain phrases; they approach their past with a kind of clarity that fosters trust and growth in their current relationship.
Why Words About Exes Matter
The words we choose when talking about former partners aren’t just idle chatter—they’re a window into how we process emotions, handle conflict, and move forward. Healthy couples know this. They don’t dodge the past or vilify it; instead, they reflect on it with balance and honesty. When someone speaks about their ex with venom or nostalgia that feels too intense, it’s often a sign they’re stuck—either in blame or in longing. That’s why I’m sharing six phrases the happiest, most secure couples avoid when discussing their exes. These are red flags worth noticing, not because they’re dealbreakers, but because they point to patterns that could ripple into your relationship.
1. “It Was All Their Fault”
Blaming an ex entirely for a breakup is like saying only one person danced in a two-person tango. Relationships are complex, and both parties play a role in what works—and what doesn’t. When someone insists, “It was their fault the relationship ended,” they’re often sidestepping their own responsibility. This lack of accountability can spell trouble in a new relationship, as it suggests they might not reflect on their own actions when conflicts arise.
“Healthy partners own their part in past relationships, even if it’s just a small piece.”
– Relationship counselor
Think about it: If they can’t see their role in past failures, how will they grow in your relationship? Instead of pointing fingers, the healthiest couples might say something like, “We both made mistakes, and I learned a lot from it.” That kind of reflection shows emotional maturity and a willingness to evolve.
2. “My Ex Did It Better”
Comparisons sting, especially when they elevate an ex over you. Phrases like “That’s not how my ex would do it” or “My ex was so much better at this” are more than just hurtful—they signal that your partner might still be tethered to their past. It’s not just about idealizing an ex; it’s about failing to fully embrace the present. Healthy couples focus on building something new rather than measuring you against a ghost.
- Comparisons create insecurity and erode trust.
- They suggest unresolved feelings or unrealistic expectations.
- Healthy partners appreciate you for who you are, not who you aren’t.
Personally, I find this one particularly tricky. It’s human to compare, but when it becomes a habit, it’s like inviting an ex to sit at the dinner table with you. The healthiest couples keep their focus on the here and now, letting the past stay where it belongs.
3. “I Need to Check With My Ex First”
Here’s a scenario: Your partner says, “I want to check with my ex before making plans.” Alarm bells might start ringing. While maintaining a cordial relationship with an ex—especially if kids are involved—can be healthy, constant communication or seeking their input on your life decisions is a red flag. It suggests blurred boundaries and a failure to prioritize your relationship.
| Healthy Boundary | Unhealthy Boundary |
| Occasional, practical contact (e.g., co-parenting) | Daily chats or seeking ex’s approval |
| Transparency with current partner | Secretive or overly frequent communication |
| Focus on building new relationship | Prioritizing ex’s opinions or presence |
Healthy couples set clear boundaries with exes to protect their current relationship. If your partner’s ex is still a major player in their life, it’s worth having an open conversation about what that means for your future together.
4. “Every Ex I’ve Had Was Toxic”
Labeling every ex a narcissist, manipulator, or toxic is a neon sign of emotional immaturity. Sure, some relationships are genuinely unhealthy, but when someone paints all their past partners with the same negative brush, it’s a clue they’re avoiding self-reflection. This habit of externalizing blame can easily carry over into your relationship, where you might one day find yourself labeled the “bad guy” too.
“Dismissing past partners as ‘toxic’ often hides a lack of accountability for one’s own role.”
– Couples therapist
Healthy couples acknowledge the complexity of their past relationships. They might say, “We had our issues, but I learned how to communicate better because of it.” That kind of insight shows they’re capable of growth, not just finger-pointing.
5. “I Got Nothing Out of That Relationship”
When someone claims their past relationship was a total waste, it’s a red flag they might struggle with self-awareness. Every relationship, even the rocky ones, offers lessons—whether it’s about communication, boundaries, or what you truly value in a partner. Dismissing a past relationship entirely suggests they’re not learning from their experiences, which can hinder growth in your relationship.
- Ask your partner: “What did you learn from your last relationship?”
- Look for answers that show growth, like better conflict resolution.
- Be wary of responses that shut down or deflect, like “It was pointless.”
I’ve always believed relationships are like classrooms—there’s always something to take away, even if it’s just clarity on what you don’t want. Healthy couples use their past as a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.
6. “Let’s Not Talk About the Past”
Shutting down discussions about past relationships with phrases like “The past is the past” or “Why bring it up?” can feel like a dodge. While it’s okay to want privacy, completely avoiding the topic often points to unresolved shame or discomfort with vulnerability. Healthy couples are open about their past, even if it’s messy, because they know sharing builds intimacy.
“Vulnerability about the past strengthens trust in the present.”
– Relationship expert
It’s not about dwelling on the past but understanding how it shaped your partner. If they clam up, it might mean they’re not ready to let you in fully. A healthy partner might say, “It’s tough to talk about, but here’s what happened…” That openness is a green flag for a secure relationship.
What to Do If You Hear These Phrases
Hearing one of these phrases doesn’t mean you should bolt for the door. Relationships aren’t about perfection—they’re about growth. If your partner says something that raises a red flag, try these steps:
- Ask questions: Gently probe, like, “What makes you feel that way about your ex?”
- Share your perspective: Explain how their words affect you without accusing.
- Look for patterns: One-off comments are less concerning than repeated behaviors.
- Seek clarity: Discuss boundaries, especially if their ex is still in the picture.
In my experience, addressing these red flags early can prevent bigger issues down the road. It’s like catching a small leak before it floods the house. Healthy couples tackle these moments with curiosity and honesty, not defensiveness.
Building a Stronger Future Together
The way we talk about our exes isn’t just about the past—it’s a blueprint for how we’ll handle challenges in the present. Healthy couples know this, which is why they avoid phrases that blame, compare, or dodge. Instead, they lean into self-reflection, boundaries, and open communication. By paying attention to these red flags, you’re not just avoiding pitfalls—you’re building a foundation for a relationship that’s secure, honest, and built to last.
Relationship Health Checklist: - Reflects on past without blame - Sets clear boundaries with exes - Embraces vulnerability - Focuses on the present partnership
So, next time your partner mentions their ex, listen closely. Are they painting a one-sided picture, or are they showing the kind of emotional maturity that makes you feel safe? The answer might just tell you everything you need to know about your future together.
