Healing Family Ties In Polarized Times

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Jul 13, 2025

Can you mend family ties despite deep political divides? A former speechwriter shares how surfing helped him reconnect with his brother-in-law. Discover the surprising lessons that could change your relationships too...

Financial market analysis from 13/07/2025. Market conditions may have changed since publication.

Have you ever found yourself at odds with someone you love, not because of who they are, but because of what they believe? It’s a gut-punch moment when you realize a family member—someone you’ve shared holidays and memories with—seems to live in a completely different world. For me, it’s a question that’s lingered since the pandemic, when ideological lines felt like battle lines. This isn’t just my story; it’s a reflection of a fractured time when politics can feel like a wedge driving families apart.

When Beliefs Divide Us

It’s easy to assume that family bonds are unbreakable, but the past few years have tested that idea. Political disagreements, especially during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, turned casual differences into chasms. I’ve seen it firsthand—conversations that once flowed easily became minefields. According to relationship experts, nearly one in three Americans reported strained family ties due to political differences in recent years. That’s not just a statistic; it’s a quiet epidemic of disconnection.

Take my own experience. I’m someone who leans into structure, science, and the collective good. My brother-in-law? He’s the opposite—a free spirit who questions everything, especially mandates. When vaccines became the line in the sand, I couldn’t wrap my head around his choices. It wasn’t just about health; it felt like a rejection of shared values. I’ll admit, I was tempted to write him off. Sound familiar?

The urge to cut off those who disagree with us is human, but it rarely solves anything.

– Relationship counselor

The Cost of Shunning

Shunning someone—whether it’s a family member or a friend—feels like a clean break. You draw a line, take a stand, and move on. But here’s the rub: it doesn’t always feel as good as you think it will. Emotional disconnection has a way of lingering, like a bruise you keep pressing. Studies from psychology journals suggest that cutting ties can increase feelings of isolation, not just for the person being shunned but for the one doing the shunning too.

In my case, I didn’t fully cut my brother-in-law out, but I kept him at arm’s length. Dinners were tense. Texts went unanswered. I justified it by telling myself I was protecting my peace. But deep down, I missed the guy who used to crack bad jokes and make every gathering a little louder. Shunning wasn’t freeing; it was exhausting.

  • Loss of connection: Shunning severs emotional ties, leaving both sides feeling isolated.
  • Increased stress: Holding grudges takes mental energy, draining your emotional reserves.
  • Missed opportunities: Cutting someone off closes the door to potential growth and understanding.

Finding Common Ground

Here’s where things took a turn. My brother-in-law invited me to go surfing one weekend. I’m no pro, but I love the ocean—it’s one of those rare places where the world’s noise fades away. I almost said no, expecting another argument. But something nudged me to say yes. Maybe it was curiosity, maybe it was just exhaustion from the distance we’d built. Either way, that day on the waves changed everything.

We didn’t talk politics. We didn’t debate vaccines or mandates. We just paddled out, caught a few waves, and laughed when we wiped out. For the first time in years, I saw him as more than his beliefs. He wasn’t just the “other side”; he was the guy who taught me how to balance better on the board. That shared experience reminded me of something I’d forgotten: connection matters more than being right.

Shared moments can rebuild bridges that words alone can’t mend.

Surfing wasn’t a magic fix. We still disagree—sometimes fiercely. But those moments in the water gave us a foundation to stand on. It’s like laying down a few bricks where a wall used to be. Relationship experts call this finding common ground—a neutral space where differences don’t define the relationship.

Why Shunning Fails

Let’s be real: shunning feels good in the moment. It’s a power move, a way to say, “I’m done with this.” But it’s a short-term win with long-term costs. When you cut someone off, you’re not just closing a door—you’re locking yourself in a smaller world. Recent psychology research shows that people who maintain diverse relationships, even with those they disagree with, report higher life satisfaction.

Shunning also assumes the other person will “learn their lesson.” Spoiler alert: they usually don’t. If anything, it hardens their stance. My brother-in-law didn’t suddenly get vaccinated because I distanced myself. Instead, he doubled down, feeling judged and misunderstood. It was only when we reconnected—without judgment—that we could actually hear each other.

ApproachOutcomeLong-Term Impact
ShunningImmediate relief, isolationStrained relationships, emotional toll
EngagementInitial discomfort, connectionStronger bonds, mutual understanding
Neutral activitiesShared experiencesFoundation for dialogue

Steps to Reconnect

Rebuilding a relationship across ideological divides isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Here’s what I’ve learned, both from my own journey and from experts in conflict resolution. These steps aren’t a one-size-fits-all fix, but they’re a starting point.

  1. Find a neutral activity: Pick something you both enjoy, like hiking, cooking, or, in my case, surfing. It creates a safe space to reconnect without diving into hot-button issues.
  2. Listen without judging: You don’t have to agree, but try to understand their perspective. Ask questions like, “What makes you feel that way?” instead of debating.
  3. Set boundaries: Agree to avoid certain topics, at least at first. It’s okay to say, “Let’s not go there today.”
  4. Focus on shared values: Even if you disagree on politics, you might both value family, loyalty, or adventure. Build from there.

These steps aren’t about erasing differences. They’re about remembering that relationships are bigger than any single issue. In my experience, the effort to reconnect feels like planting a seed—you don’t see the tree right away, but the potential is there.


The Bigger Picture

Polarization isn’t just a personal problem; it’s a societal one. When we shun those who think differently, we contribute to a world where echo chambers thrive. I’m not saying you have to agree with everyone or tolerate toxic behavior. But there’s a difference between setting boundaries and building walls. The former keeps you safe; the latter keeps you isolated.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect is how these personal divides mirror larger ones. Families are microcosms of society—when we learn to navigate differences at home, we’re practicing for the world. My brother-in-law and I still don’t see eye to eye on much, but we’ve found a rhythm. We talk about waves, not wars. We share stories, not statistics. And slowly, we’re rebuilding something I thought was lost.

Relationships don’t thrive on agreement; they thrive on effort.

– Family therapist

So, what’s the takeaway? If you’re tempted to shut out a family member over politics, pause. Ask yourself: Is this worth losing them? Maybe there’s a surfboard, a hiking trail, or a coffee shop where you can start rebuilding. It won’t fix everything, but it’s a start. And in a world that feels more divided every day, that’s no small thing.

Relationship Reconnection Formula:
  50% Shared Experiences
  30% Open Listening
  20% Patience

I’ve found that the hardest part isn’t the first step—it’s the decision to take it. You don’t have to agree with someone to love them. You just have to show up. For me, that meant paddling out into the ocean, letting the waves do the talking. What will it mean for you?

A bull market will bail you out of all your mistakes. Except one: being out of it.
— Spencer Jakab
Author

Steven Soarez passionately shares his financial expertise to help everyone better understand and master investing. Contact us for collaboration opportunities or sponsored article inquiries.

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