Have you ever laid awake at 3 a.m. replaying a conversation that already happened, or refreshing your phone every thirty seconds waiting for a message that might never come? I have. Most of us have. And in those moments, something quietly drains out of us that we can never get back.
Over the past two decades of working with people who seem to bend but never break, I’ve noticed something that feels almost unfair at first. The mentally strongest people I know – the ones who keep their cool when everything falls apart – all protect one resource more fiercely than money, time, or even sleep.
Their energy.
They simply refuse to spend it on anything they cannot control.
The One Habit That Changes Everything
It sounds almost too simple, doesn’t it? Yet this single shift separates people who burn out from people who somehow keep getting stronger. In my experience, the moment someone truly grasps this idea – not just intellectually, but deep in their bones – their entire life starts to feel lighter.
Think about your average week. How many hours do you spend imagining worst-case scenarios? How much mental bandwidth goes toward wishing someone would act differently, or trying to predict exactly how a situation will play out?
That’s energy you could have used to become the kind of person who handles whatever comes next with grace.
Why We Get Hooked on Trying to Control the Uncontrollable
Here’s the tricky part: worrying about things outside our control feels productive. When we’re anxious about something, our brain tricks us into believing that if we just think about it hard enough, we might prevent disaster.
It’s an ancient survival mechanism gone wrong. Thousands of years ago, scanning the horizon for danger kept us alive. Today, scanning our inbox for signs of rejection or doom-scrolling news feeds serves the same primitive urge – but with zero payoff.
The temporary relief we feel from “doing something” (even if that something is just mental gymnastics) reinforces the habit. And before we know it, we’re addicted to a behavior that leaves us more exhausted and less prepared than when we started.
The strongest people aren’t the ones who control more of their world. They’re the ones who master control over themselves when the world refuses to cooperate.
The Three Circles That Changed How I See Everything
One exercise completely shifted how I coach people through anxiety and overwhelm. Grab a piece of paper right now – yes, really – and draw three circles, one inside the other.
- Inner circle: What you can fully control (your actions, your effort, your attitude, your boundaries, the way you speak to yourself)
- Middle circle: What you can influence (how others experience you, the quality of your work, the energy you bring into a room)
- Outer circle: What you cannot control (other people’s thoughts, feelings, and choices, the economy, weather, final outcomes, the past)
Now write down your current top five worries and place each one in its honest circle.
I’ve watched grown adults cry doing this exercise – not because it’s complicated, but because they suddenly see how much of their life force has been leaking into that outer circle. The relief that comes from this realization is immediate and profound.
One client realized she’d spent three years trying to control whether her adult daughter would “finally get her life together.” Three years of sleepless nights, constant advice-giving, and emotional exhaustion. When she moved that worry to the outer circle and redirected her energy toward her own health and happiness, something remarkable happened: her relationship with her daughter actually improved.
The Three Questions That Pull You Back to Center
When you catch yourself spiraling, ask these three questions. I’ve seen them work like a mental emergency brake:
- Am I describing the problem or working on the solution?
Most of us spend 90% of our energy describing how bad things are and 10% actually doing something about what we can. Flip that ratio. - Do I need to change my situation or my relationship to my situation?
Sometimes action is required. Sometimes acceptance is the most powerful action available. - What did I do today that made me stronger?
Outcomes are noisy. Effort is quiet and completely within your control. Measure your days by this instead.
These questions work because they immediately redirect attention to where power actually lives – inside you.
How This Shows Up in Real Relationships
Perhaps nowhere is this principle more powerful than in our closest relationships. I’ve watched couples destroy perfectly good partnerships trying to control each other’s feelings, thoughts, or behavior.
The partner who stops trying to “fix” their spouse’s anxiety and instead focuses on managing their own reactions? That’s the partner who creates space for real change to occur.
The parent who releases the death grip on controlling their teenager’s choices and instead pours energy into modeling healthy behavior? That’s the parent whose kids actually listen when it matters most.
Love, at its most mature, requires the courage to stop trying to control the other person and start controlling yourself.
The Hidden Cost of Control
Every minute spent trying to control what can’t be controlled is a minute not spent becoming the kind of person who doesn’t need to control everything.
That’s the real tragedy. The energy we waste on the outer circle is exactly the energy we need to grow our inner circle – to develop better boundaries, deeper self-awareness, greater emotional regulation, and genuine confidence.
I’ve seen this play out dramatically in therapy rooms. The clients who finally “get it” – who stop fighting reality and start working with it – make progress at ten times the speed of those still battling the outer circle.
How to Start Today (Without Overwhelming Yourself)
Start small. Pick one recurring worry this week that clearly belongs in the outer circle. When you notice yourself engaging with it, gently redirect your attention to something in your inner circle.
Maybe you stop checking your ex’s social media and instead go for a walk. Maybe you stop imagining how a conversation “should” have gone and instead write in your journal about what you learned from it.
Each time you make this switch, you’re building the mental muscle that eventually makes this way of living automatic.
In my experience, most people notice a difference within two weeks. Not because their circumstances dramatically change, but because their relationship to those circumstances transforms completely.
The mentally strongest people I’ve known weren’t born that way. They simply learned – often through hard experience – that their energy is their most precious resource. And they protected it accordingly.
The question isn’t whether you have the strength to do this. The question is whether you’re finally ready to stop wasting the strength you already have.
Because here’s what I’ve learned after all these years: Peace isn’t found by controlling more of your world. It’s found by mastering control over yourself when the world refuses to be controlled.
And that kind of strength? It’s available to anyone willing to stop spending their energy on everything else.
